How did I get here? How do I work this? These are not my beautiful clothes! Where is that large automobile? My god! What have I done?

And then the audience started chanting, "Take it off! Take it off!"

No wonder our poor little maverick sometimes mistakes her fans for hecklers.

My friends, I'm tired of hearing about how these ACORN folks wasted a bunch of the Democrats' money. But it is wonderful that the ACORN folks are required by law to turn in voter registration forms, even if they suspect that the forms might be fraudulent and then they have to pay extra to have the forms invalidated. And then we can accuse them of voter fraud! I hope the investigators don't turn up any Republican moles within ACORN. Like the heroic NRA lady who infiltrated the Brady Bunch.

My friends, the real crime is this outfit called Young Political Majors (YPM). Apparently our beloved, but too trusting, Republican Party paid these thieves $12 per completed voter registration. The Democrats only had to pay ACORN $2 for each worthless registration. My friends, not only did YPM overcharge us, YPM also collected $12 a head from the Republican party for illegally registering Democrats as Republicans. These Democrats seem quite angry at McCain and the Republican Party and I fear they might actually vote. At least Mickey Mouse won't get to vote.

McCain now says he wants to gut Medicare instead of taxing your insurance premiums. I give up. I have no idea what McCain really wants to do about the healthcare crisis, but whatever he does, it's sure to cost the middle class plenty and be very profitable for the insurance companies. That's good for us, right?

I guess Palin's prayers for Lieberman's conversion are working. BTW, Palin says that women who don't vote for her are going to hell.

Our lipstick-wearing, secede-from-America pitbull goes after Obama's neighbors. I think his kindergarten teacher is next on Palin's list. And his mother: she married a negro! And his grandmother: she let her daughter marry a negro!

Includes the thrilling youtube video. Soon she will be saying that women who don't support her should be burned as witches, along with their books, especially that lesbian manifesto, Our Bodies, Ourselves. Now that's change we can believe in!

The Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America, obviously a collection of left-wing loonies, only gives McCain a "D" on veterans' issues. At least they only give Obama a "B".

These are outrageous and unfair accusations! First off, these were good terrorists who only sold drugs to finance their war against communist electoral aggression. Secondly, McCain only served on the board of the US Council for World Freedom; it's not like he was friends with Roger Pearson, the famous neo-Nazi.

McCain wants to eliminate employer-provided health insurance. If your employer pays any part of your health insurance premium, you'll pay taxes on the premiums. Now that's change we can all agree on.

Democrats just don't understand: only Republicans should be allowed to vote.

If have a sudden urge to help the economy and buy a gun, you shouldn't have to wait. If you register to vote, you should have to wait at least 30 days before you actually get to vote. This "cooling off" period is critical to the proper functioning of our democracy. What kind of chaos would we have if we let angry people (other than angry white men) vote?

Not content with re-writing history, Bush has now re-written his nemesis, the dictionary. In a bold use of his imperial powers, he eliminated access to family planning services for millions of Americans.

Oh, and by the way, McCain supports abstinence-only sex ed. And he'll stand up to those communists who would try to protect children from sexual predators. McCain and Palin are the unequalled masters of irony.

Rumor has it that the purchase is in trouble because of the turmoil in the credit markets, but $700 billion should grease the skids nicely. Hope you bought BUD at $45. BTW, a group of 10 angry beer drinkers is suing to stop the purchase.