R.W. Loony's Thoughts from 10/26/08

My friends, some say that John McCain’s campaign has gone into an irreversible death spiral. The leading lights of our beloved Republican Family, Ed Rollins, Karl Rove, Peggy Noonan, Rush Limbaugh, et al, have been showering our beloved maverick with advice: more positive ads, more negative ads, keep talking about Bill Ayers, stop talking about Bill Ayers, let Sarah Palin keep talking about Bill Ayers and the bridge to nowhere, attack the New York Times, attack the American people as a nation of whiners, pretend to fire the guy who said that (Phil Gramm), pray for a terrorist attack, fire the guy that said that (Charlie Black), donate money to terrorists, accept donations from terrorists, go for the pity vote… Ed Rollins (grand master of mudslinging) even went so far as to say that McCain should just give up, because he’ll only hurt the Republican Party if he keeps going.

My friends, it’s as if our beloved Republican Family has become embroiled in some horrendous polyandrous divorce child custody battle, tugging on any McCain appendage they can grab. How’s McCain supposed to be steady and reassuring when his party is wobbling around like drunken sailors on shore leave in the Philippines?

My friends, too many of my fellow Republicans want to try and run away from our incredible accomplishments of the past 7½ years. McCain’s slogans should be "Mission Accomplished!", "More Mission!", and "All you need to CHANGE is your point of view".

Higher oil prices and record profits for oil companies? Mission Accomplished!

CHANGEd point of view: My friends, if you invested in oil companies you’ve done pretty well and you should be grateful and you should get down on your knees and say "Thank you Jesus for sending Baby Bush to rule our country and for John McCain, his anointed successor." If you were too stupid to buy oil stocks when the Supreme Court selected Bush as president, too bad for you, you’re probably a communist.

Billions for military contractors but not one penny for veterans? Mission Accomplished!

CHANGEd point of view: If you’re against the excessive use of contractors, you’re for re-instating the draft. Likewise for improved veterans’ benefits: better veterans’ benefits means you want to encourage our soldiers to leave the military and bring back the draft. And, my friend, you’re not supporting the troops, you traitor!

40% of Americans uninsured? Mission Accomplished!

CHANGEd point of view: More Americans than ever before are taking control of their healthcare decisions! My friends, soon, thanks to the invisible hand of the market and the McCain healthcare plan, all Americans will take control of their healthcare decisions! Hope you stay healthy and own stock in health insurance companies.

Environment destroyed? More tax dollars for oil companies? Mission Accomplished!

CHANGEd point of view: Drill Baby Drill! Just keep chanting.

Plummeting home values? Mission Accomplished!

CHANGEd point of view: Homes are again as affordable as they were during the glorious Reagan years! And jobs are just as plentiful! And wages are the same! It’s morning in America!

Failing banks? Mission Accomplished!

CHANGEd point of view: Remember the Reagan era, when Savings and Loans were falling like dominos? It’s morning in America again!

Rising unemployment & falling wages? Mission Accomplished!

CHANGEd point of view: Acknowledge the problem, then find some one to blame, preferably some one who’s never going to vote Republican anyway: Congress, trial lawyers, teachers, nurses, Muslims, atheists, black people, homosexuals, illegal aliens, extraterrestrials, environmentalists, Democrats, people with college degrees, volcanoes, fictional TV characters, union members, French people, Hollywood, the minimum wage, baby wolves, community organizers, rap music, cartoons, the New York Times, bears, public defenders, Bill Ayers, American Indians, robots, scientologists, no, wait, don’t pick on the scientologists. They have lots of money, use lots of jet fuel, and wasn’t L. Ron Hubbard a Republican? Or just Mitt Romney's favorite author?

My friends, we’ve accomplished an awful lot of mission, but there’s a lot more mission to accomplish. My friends, we could have a lot more mission, and all we need to change is our point of view.

My friends, God bless America and God Bless our mission!

R.W. Loony's Thoughts from 10/2/08

My friends, I love the smell of moose guts in the evening. It smells like--- victory!

My friends, in tonight’s debate, Sarah Palin was the magnificent helicopter-borne avenging valkyrie shooting pregnant wolves. By the end of the night, Joe Biden might as well have been a baby fur seal. I almost felt sorry for the guy.

My friends, how much do you love this woman? She comes out of the gate swinging: “I’m not going to answer any of your gosh darn questions. I’m going to say what I want to say, directly to the people of America.” And then she gave us the wink! My friends, I could hardly contain myself.

My friends, were you as delighted as I to see how beautifully Sarah stayed on message no matter what the question and no matter what Joe Biden said? Like a hunter on a souped-up snowmobile relentlessly exhausting her prey, ignoring any and all distractions, she didn’t even acknowledge anything Biden said. His statement that McCain voted to raise taxes 477 times was, of course, obviously not worthy of a response. I just wish she could have said “maverick” (God, I love that meat-eater, James Garner: "Moose. It’s what’s for dinner.") a few more times (15 times just isn’t anywhere near enough). The way she shapes her mouth around that word just turns me into a puddle. Just makes me go positively new-cue-ler!

As governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has shown bold bipartisanship in picking her high school classmates for high-paying state jobs, regardless of their political affiliation or qualifications. And she hasn’t been afraid to fire anyone who dares to disagree with her, whether that person is a small town librarian or the state public safety commissioner. And we know she’s going to clean things up, because she said “greed” and “corruption” at least 10 times. My friends, that’s the kind of leadership we need!

Sarah Palin has learned from Dick Cheney that the constitution is a flexible document to be bent to her will. Acting as God’s anointed representative on earth, she will put the God back into “In God We Trust”.

My friends, some of us were a little confused when Sarah repeatedly quoted McClellan on the war in Afghanistan. Was she channeling the thoughts of the unsuccessful Civil War general and failed Democratic presidential candidate, George McClellan? Does she have the bipartisan ability to talk to dead people, regardless of their political affiliation? Did she mean to say "McKiernan", the current commander of NATO troops in Afghanistan?

How can you people be so dense? Obviously, Sarah was referring to statements that she imagined Scott McClellan might make if he were still press secretary or had taken charge of the war in Afghanistan or had just done a lot of opium.

Now, my friends, some of you may think that Sarah committed a major gaffe in her closing statement by failing to ask God to bless America or protect our men and women in uniform but I think you are missing the masterful nuance and subtlety of Sarah’s message. As we all know, Reagan was sent by God to bless our national security freedoms. So, whenever you invoke Reagan’s name or the lines Peggy Noonan wrote for him (as Sarah did again and again), it’s the same as saying "God bless America!"

Reagan bless America!

R.W. Loony's Thoughts from 9/28/08

My friends, it’s another beautiful Sunday in our beloved, God-blessed country. Friday night I was speechless after spending 90 minutes cheering our courageous maverick, John McCain. Who would have thought some one who looks so old could demonstrate such mental agility? Why just that morning, our brave House Republicans were bragging that McCain would support their efforts to stop the $700 billion socialist take-over of America, but by debate time McCain had changed his tune. But I’m not worried: that was just for the TV audience. As I’m writing this, he’s probably already returned to the path of righteousness and righteous capital gains tax cuts. Some unpatriotic socialists may say this is yet another example of a McCain flip-flop-flip, but, we realize that this is the essence of bipartisanship. My friends, in order to defeat the socialist menace and bring back the spirit of our patron saint Ronald McDonald Reagan, we must not reveal our true plans on national television. We must confuse the enemy with our verbiage.

My fiends, the night brought back fond memories of the debates just four short years ago. When a left wing journalist asked our beloved leader, George “Baby” Bush, if he would appoint Supreme Court justices who would overturn Roe v. Wade, he said, with that endearing little chuckle of his, “I’m not tellin’,” then flashed his trademark smirk to make sure that we Republicans would know he was just funnin’.

My friends, I was so hoarse, that I feared I might never speak again, but after a rousing Sunday sermon from pastor Elmer Gee at the Holy Deluge Church, I was cured of my hoarseness. As brother Elmer pointed out, the rich are terribly oppressed, constantly maligned, and discriminated against by the liberal elites. These elites are forever spouting such hate-filled platitudes as “It is easier for an elephant to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven”.

My friends, you and I know that the rich, those who make more than $5,000,000/year, are the very backbone of this country. Unlike less generous elements of our society, the rich provide employment to countless gardeners, maids, nannies, personal trainers, chauffeurs, substance abuse counselors, caretakers, massage therapists, event planners, caterers, attorneys, and surrogate mothers. The tears well up in my eyes when I think of all the people the rich could help, if only we could extend the Bush tax cuts and reduce capital gains taxes. McCain should have proclaimed that he and Cindy will set a good example by using a portion of their tax cut to hire additional staff for their dozen or so homes.

My friends, I get goose bumps when I dream of a country where the rich pay no taxes at all. A country where an ever-smaller portion of our ever-growing wealth trickles down upon the less fortunate in a golden shower of prosperity. That, my friends, is a country of which we can all be proud.

God bless America!

R.W. Loony's Thoughts from 9/22/08

My friends, it is just three weeks since Hurricane Gustav fizzled out and the dark clouds of doom over Minnesota disintegrated as the faithful gathered to celebrate the conversion of John McCain. With the glorious exuberance of one who has finally accepted his savior after a lifetime wandering in the darkness, McCain jettisoned all of his previous disagreements with Republican scripture. No more crybaby talk about “What if an eleven year old is pregnant with her father’s child?” I swear I heard the crowd chanting, “One of us. One of us. One of us.”

My friends, it was simply a breath-taking follow-up to his maverick selection of another maverick, the beautiful maverick Sarah Connor, oops I mean Sarah Palin. I just get goose bumps at the thought of her crushing Schwarzenegger in a giant trash compactor after shooting him a couple of times with RPGs. RINOs take note! There’s a new maverick in town! And if you dare criticize McCain’s verbiage, she gonna pop a cap in yo’ ass.

The maverick wisdom, humility, and courage John McCain showed in picking the woman who could be just one tragic hunting accident away from the presidency just leaves me awestruck. I completely forgot about how McCain dumped his first wife while she was disabled from a car accident so that he could marry a wealthy beer heiress with a substance abuse problem. Now that McCain has seen the light, all is forgiven. Christian teetotalers can now stop fretting about McCain marketing alcopop drinks to children. My friends, we need to focus on the critical issues: a little experimentation with alcopop can be cured with prayer and a good whuppin’, but exposure to the homosexual agenda can do a lifetime’s worth of damage to otherwise good people. Just ask Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Chuck Norris, and the countless other victims of the homosexual agenda.

Our glorious and most exalted leader George Bush, Jr. took office with a mandate from God (and his family) to raise the price of oil by any means necessary. Mission Accomplished!

Now, we’re finally on the brink of freeing the oil companies to drill off our beaches and in our National Parks. No more unpatriotic talk of protecting our environment for the health and safety of future generations. As Sarah Palin knows from her moose-hunting and crab-catching experiences, the only problem with oil spills is that they make the fishing too easy. I mean, after an oil spill, you don’t even need a boat; you can just pick up all the fish you can eat right off the beach. There’s nothing I like better after a good oil spill than a fish barbecue at the beach. The oily coating burns off in a thick cloud of black smoke, creating a crispy skin and the most delicious, succulent fish flesh you’ve ever tasted. And, if you want a real treat, throw a few oil-soaked seagulls on the grill as well. No need to pluck those suckers, the feathers will burn right off, leaving a carcass so tasty, you’d swear it was a deep fried turkey.

My friends, nothing pisses me off more than these Democratic elitists who would exclude unqualified people from running our country. This is most despicable, egregious, and pernicious example of discrimination I’ve ever seen. My friends, I was brought up to believe that in America, anyone could grow up to be president, not just “A” students who work long hours serving their communities and our country.

As our beloved leader tells us, the promise of America is that anyone with sufficiently wealthy and powerful parents can grow up to be president, even if they have problems with substance abuse, academics, a criminal record, or teen pregnancies. This, my friends, is the true promise of our great nation.

God bless America!