My friends, what a difference two years can make. Election night in 2008 plunged all real Americans into true despair. Despair at the horrifying prospect of affordable health care, a revitalized education system, the end of special tax breaks for shipping jobs overseas, for polluters, and the ultra-rich.
But from the darkest hours come the greatest heroes. With nothing but his rolodex and an unlimited expense account from the most oppressed and maligned members of our society, the victims of the most terrible and vile bigotry, Dick Armey created FreedomWorks to erect an army of tea-baggers, a bona fide dick army. Thrusting ordinary citizens armed only with bullhorns and misspelled signs proudly proclaiming their lack of book learning into town-hall meetings where they boldly shouted down anyone who dared suggest that their social security and Medicare were government programs. Ordinary citizens speaking out on behalf of their voiceless brethren, the drug companies, the insurance companies, the cigarette companies, Verizon, and AT&T. Citizens uniting to protect the most defenseless and vulnerable members of the herd from carnivorous reformers. Like the cape buffalo in that nature video, where the whole herd comes together to rescue the baby buffalo from the crocs and the lions. My friends, I'm not afraid to tell you that I cried when the prodigal baby rejoined the flock. I haven't seen such a profoundly moving affirmation of Christian family values since March of the Penguins.
The genius of Dick Armey is breath-taking. FreedomWorks! And freedom not only works, it sells insurance, which is a handy thing to have if you're being eaten by a lion, almost as good as having a herd of cape buffalo.
While the ranks of Dick's army swelled, Citizens United bravely fought their way to the Supreme Court where the Patriot Five boldly declared that corporations have more rights than people and that money equals free speech. So shut up, poor people! My friends, we should henceforth commemorate January 21, 2010 as the re-birthday of our republic. The day when five heroic justices banded together to protect the rights of corporations, something our founding fathers would have done, if they had known what a corporation was.
My friends, we all know that the United States Constitution is a sacred document, transcribed by mortal men guided by our Christian God. Being mere mortals, the founders of our great Christian nation sometimes missed some of the nuances of God's dictation. That's why we need strong, stalwart Christian justices like Scalia and Thomas to hear God's words and fill in anything the founders may have missed. That's what "original intent" means: God intended for it to be in the constitution.
Thanks to God's newly revealed guidance, two of the greatest heroes of our republic, Karl Rove and Ed Gillespie, banded together to gather million dollar contributions from the downtrodden. They have forged these pitiful scraps into a mighty bludgeon to smite all those evil doers who would deny corporations their God-given rights. And Karl and Ed are not alone. The US Chamber of Commerce, the Mama Grizzly of little tiny Mom and Pop small businesses like Verizon, Phillip-Morris, and AT&T, has been busy raising money from concerned Saudis, Chinese, and Russians. Money that is desperately needed in the struggle to keep our country safe from the twin terrors of socialism and sharia law.
Thanks to the selfless efforts of these courageous patriots and Sarah Palin, we have a born-again Republican party. We have outstanding candidates with thrilling bold new mavericky ideas:
No abortions, no exceptions (Supported by 63 House candidates, 6 Senate candidates, and 3 guys running for governorships).
Abolish Social Security and Medicare and Medicaid. Abolish the EPA. Abolish the IRS.
Drill, baby, drill!
Repeal the 14th amendment (the one that grants citizenship to people born in the United States).
Repeal the 17th amendment (the one that lets us vote directly for senators).
Abolish Food Stamps. Abolish the minimum wage. Round up poor people and make them harvest fruits and vegetables. At gunpoint.
Repeal the Civil Rights Act. Outlaw Homosexuality. Outlaw Spanish. Outlaw Spanish-speaking People.
Outlaw Science. Ever notice how Nobel Prize winners are almost always Democrats? Ronald Reagan, blessed be his name, was right to tax their prizes!
Shutdown the government (but keep those social security and farm subsidy checks coming).
Re-write history. Drown the government in a bathtub.
And we don't just have exciting ideas, we have exciting candidates:
Christine O'Donnell: "I am not a witch."
Rich Iott: "I am not a Nazi, I just dress like one."
Sharron Angle: "You look a little Asian to me."
Meg Whitman: "I have more money than God." (or is that Meg "My Latina housekeeper stole my mail, but I still love Latinos even if my campaign manager doesn't" Whitman, or is it Meg "Your silly laws don't apply to me" Whitman? Doesn't matter, they're all equally inspiring).
Carly Fiorina: "Assault weapons for terrorists." "Overturn Roe v. Wade."
Carl Paladino: "I love bestiality."
Kristi Noem: "Traffic laws? Court appearances? I thought they were more like 'traffic suggestions'."
Joe Miller: "Repeal the 17th amendment/Abolish the minimum wage."
Sharron Angle: "If you're raped by your father, make lemonade."
Jim Russell: "Segregation Forever"
Nathan Mintz: "I'm just plain nuts."
Rand Paul: "Repeal the Civil Rights Act", "I'm just a humble servant of Aqua Buddha."
Marco Rubio: "I won't pay my mortgage, unless I can pay it with campaign contributions." Hmmm, same problems as Christine O'Donnell. Don't forget to pay the income tax--- at least until we can repeal the 16th amendment.
These candidates, along thousands of others, stand together to defend us from excessive liberty, prosperity, and education. Stand with them and proudly proclaim, "No, we can't!" Or just yell "NO!" at the top of your lungs. Or just take out your gun and shoot at the sun, screaming "I love America" as you rocket down the freeway in your Chinese Hummer.
R.W. Loony, October 9, 2010